MY STORY

In 2000 I walked away from everything I had ever known and believed to find joy. 

Life had gotten unbearable for me, and just two years earlier I had seriously contemplated suicide. 

The foundations I had built for my life had come crumbling down around me. 

My fiancé had dumped me the night before my bridal shower,  just a month before our wedding. 

To keep my mind off of it, my friends had taken me out dancing the night I was supposed to get married. And that’s when I met him, the guy I thought was my soulmate. It was kismet, or so I thought.

But on Christmas Eve he crushed my heart. 

I was supposed to be at my Grandma’s with my parents that night. But their marriage was quickly disintegrating at this point, and being together was painful, so I had convinced them to let me stay home. 

They had taken the only working car we had, and finances were bad, so our phone had been turned off (yes this was back in the day of landlines). The neighbors were all gone, and I was completely isolated.

I thought it was just going to be a quiet night at home, and then he showed up unannounced, my soulmate. I felt on cloud nine. He took me into his arms and we danced to our song. He gifted me a little angel figurine, and then…he dumped me.  

He even had the nerve to say it was all because of my Dad (who happened to be suicidal himself at the time). 

Looking back I can see what a jerk move it was, but at the time I was devastated. Would no one ever love me? Was I just unlovable? What the f*$% was wrong with me?

As a side note, during this time I was supposed to be preparing to go on a mission for the church I grew up in. It had always been a dream of mine to go, but the truth was I didn’t want to go anymore. 

But how do you walk away from something that has been the plan and dream your whole life? I mean, won’t you regret it forever if you do? I was definitely afraid I would! 

But what I really wanted was to belong, to have someone and something that was my own. I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to create my own little family where I could be safe, happy, myself, and where no one would leave me. 

Well, it was obvious that wasn’t happening, and that night I lost all hope that it ever would. 

All the pain came crashing down and it was excruciating. The pain of my family falling apart, the pain of not being lovable or enough, the pain of being abandoned, and the pain of fearing nothing would ever change, that this pain was all my existence had left for me.

I  didn’t know what to do anymore! 

And more than anything, in that moment, I just wanted the pain to stop. 

That’s when I had the most scary thought of my life, a very graphic and poetic way that I could make the pain stop forever, right then and there. 

It’s not that I really wanted to die, but I no longer wished to live as I was. 

Luckily, the thought was so jolting to me, that despite hating the cold, I bundled myself up and walked a few neighborhoods over to talk with someone until the pain subsided enough and I knew I was ok to be alone. 

After that night I ended up in a numb haze. I went to therapy, got on some meds (not that either really helped) and left on my mission. 

Despite being told, and believing, that those who served missions would be blessed, as would their families, my life continued to implode. 

Not only did my home life change forever, but I was now starting to see that what I believed, and what my church believed, were NOT the same things. 

I had no clue what to do with that and I was struggling being physically ill as well as depressed because our insurance wouldn’t keep my meds filled, so I was constantly going on and off of them. 

As hard as I tried, I felt misunderstood by all who surrounded me, and I felt more alone than ever.

After 9 months of trying my hardest to make this thing work, I chose to leave my mission early and go back home. 

But HOME no longer existed. 

I was picked up at the airport by my Mom and some man I had never met. My childhood home was gone, I would never set foot inside it again. Instead, I was going to be living with my Mom in a small condo that was 40mins away from where I grew up. She was working 3 jobs just to survive, so we had no phone or car and I would have to sleep on the floor. 

My Dad wasn’t doing much better, but at least he was close by, so I could spend time with him as well. 

I didn’t tell anyone I was home, since there was a HUGE negative stigmatism towards those who came home from missions early, and I just didn’t have the strength to deal with it. 

I muddled through life for the next year. I got a job. Moved into a house with some other girls. And tried to acclimate to my new life, while still holding onto all my stories and beliefs I had grown up with. 

Finally, one day I woke up and accepted the fact that things just WEREN’T WORKING. 

I’d spent my life BEING and LIVING as I thought I was supposed to. Doing ALL the things that were SUPPOSED to make life worthwhile. The things that were SUPPOSED to make me DESERVING and RECEIVING of love and happiness. 

But the truth was, I was MISERABLE, and the harder I tried, the worse things got. 

The definition of insanity kept going through my head (doing the same thing OVER and OVER again, and EXPECTING a different result). The way I had been living my life wasn’t working. It was time to try something else.

I wanted to be happy, and I firmly believed that life was MEANT to be happy. 

So, on this day I CHOSE to go down a different path. 

I CHOSE to seek JOY.  

I CHOSE to LOVE MYSELF and LIVE as my TRUE SELF.

That CHOICE saved my life. 

I’m not saying it was an easy path. Nor was it a quick process. It took TIME, COURAGE, PATIENCE, STRENGTH, and plenty of beautiful disasters to get where I am today.  

But ALL of it has been soooooo worth it!  

Today I am living a life full of so many dreams coming true, and more are coming true each day.  

I’m happily married to the man of my dreams - way better than those other guys - and have been for 8 wonderful years. We live in our dream location with 4 adorable little fur babies. We get to travel often and both of us work for ourselves, which allows us the freedom to live life on our terms.  

On a personal front, I KNOW, LOVE and ACCEPT who I am FULLY.  And I embody her more and more each day. My life is full of JOY, LOVE, PLAY and FULFILLMENT!

I want you to know yours can be too, and I’m here to help.

So whenever you're ready to Choose Joy, Free your Truth and Reawaken your soul, just reach out.

Love & Blessings,